Things that still scare me

*for some reason I always imagine the worst. Perhaps if I think up everything that could happen I will be able to prevent it if it really does. Maybe the boyscouts were right in always being prepared. My shrink said "what is the worst that could possibly happen," well this was. And I was ready. *




All I could see were those absurd neon green glitter balls she insisted on using on her ponytail.

I had to look twice for her, she wasn't hanging on the side of the pool with the other kids in her swim class. I kept my panic in control and looked again. She was standing under the water, just floating there, strands of her ponytail dancing with the pool current. I watched to see if she would just pop up, perhaps she had just let go and I didn't want to overreact. She didn't. The two teenage swim teachers were across to the other side of the pool with two other students, noticing nothing, the lifeguard didn't see.

I stood up and couldn't make a sound. Finally through my panic I screamed the only thing I could think of, her name. JESSICA! No one looked up, as I was running to the side of the pool I screamed JESSICA again and this time the sound of my raw terror echoed off the walls, all the parents were looking, the pool became silent, the gritty tiles felt rough on my bare feet, and my daughter was drowning. The teachers finally figured out what had happened but by that time I was pulling her out the water. She was choking and coughing. Pulling her wet body close to me I could see that she was alright but it had been very close.
I grabbed her towel wrapped it around her tightly and directed my anger and fear towards the teacher whom I had trusted with my daughters life. Yelling I said, "What were you doing? Who was watching? She almost drowned!" The two teachers looked up at me from the pool, mouths agape like freshly caught fish gasping on the deck of a boat. The only they could think of to say "Well we have a lifeguard." I guess in their mind this absolved them of all responsibilty. The lifeguard didn't even come over to check if my daughter was ok.

As we were walking out one of the teachers said "I'm sorry". From the time we are little children our parents taught us that saying sorry makes everything alright. The was no sorry on earth that would make this better. The problem is the teacher was too young to know this, only pain and loss would teach her.
In the locker room I couldn't even get my daughter dressed, all I could do was hold her cold damp precious little body against me. My shirt was soaked but my daughter was safe. She clung to me and when I tried to put her from me, she reached her arms around my neck and with both hands grabbed onto my long ponytail. She was four but I still carried her to the car. I put her in her carseat in her suit and we went home.

Sometimes I will be driving or working and the image of her silly ponytail holder under the water appears in my mind with her hair swirling gently just under the surface.